So the holiday season is fast approaching, and I'm looking forward to it, for the most part. I am sorry to say that I am not looking forward to all of the family dinners. I'm just going to be honest in this post. I have been having some difficulty trying to fit back into my family ever since moving back. I know it has been over a year, and I should have figured it out by now, but I haven't. Most family gatherings I spend my time sitting and talking with Jeremy. Yeah I know I can do that any time. I just don't know how to relate to them anymore, and part of that is my fault, but part of it is not (I would just like to put that in).
Okay so the part that is my fault... I have changed, I don't depend on them for friendship like I use to. I have grown use to being my own friend, and being Jeremy's best friend, and him being mine. Yes that is how marriage is supposed to be, but on most days Jeremy is the only adult I talk to, and I have grown use to that. I am also not good at starting conversation, nor am I good at keeping them going, not with new people anyways, and that is how my family is to me now, they are new people. I have meet them before, but we have fallen away, and changed, and now they are new. So yes my indifference, and my lack of social skills in an awkward situation is what the problem is.
The part that isn't my fault... I have mentioned in the past that some of my family members were bitter towards me (for whatever reason), and that makes things really difficult. It has gotten a little better, but not much. It was mentioned to me some time ago that some curtain family members were upset with me, for reasons I can not control (I'm not going to go into it), and that just really hurt me. It wasn't fair, I was far away, and I missed my family, and I thought about them, and sent my prayers to them, and longed to see them again, and I find out that they are mad at me. I don't want this to sound like a wine-fest, but it just wasn't fair, and like I said before it really hurt. I have since just let it go, and not mentioned anything to them, but it makes me reluctant to talk to them. So my hurt, and their feeling towards is, are the problems.
The holiday season was very hard for me last year, because I had to juggle so much family time. We live close to both mine, and his families, and I have to play the fair game with visiting, and it's not easy. I also don't enjoy all of the driving. Back when we lived 3000 miles away, we didn't have to worry about that, we did the holidays how we wanted to, and it was great. Okay yes I know, I did say that I missed my family, and I did (and do), and so here I am. Yes I wanted to come back, yes I wanted my kids to see their grandparents more. Yes I wanted to reconnect with my Sisters, brother, family members, and all of my old friends. Yeah great fun! All I have to say for myself is nothing is ever easy (which is a quote from the character Zedd, in my favorite book series The Sword Of Truth). Zedd is so right!
I just hope that I will gain some understanding from other people, maybe by them reading this. I didn't want to put any of my family on the spot or make them feel bad. This post was more to explain myself and why I act the way that I do. I just want them to know that I love them, and I'm working on the relationship part. God has really laid it on my heart to work on this, and I am trying (maybe not hard enough, but trying). I also want to say that I do enjoy reconnecting, and it has worked-out with some of my old friends (so they don't feel like I dislike being with them), and I just want to thank them for being patient with me (Dawn and Becky you are awesome). Thanks for reading and putting up with this post.